I know many of you don't want to call us because you don't want to bother us. Please feel free to call, really. We haven't been able ourselves to pick up the phone to ask for help, mostly because we don't really know what we need. Well, we only need one thing. But it means so much to us just to know you are there for us every day.
If you do call, though, just please don't ask me how I'm doing. Not unless you want to hear how I'm only pretending to be okay. I try to smile while my heart aches constantly and tears are always a moment away. I get a lump in my throat just looking at my perfect, wonderful girl and thinking of all she has been through, and all that is yet to come. I can see the scars on the outside but she is so brave that she hasn't shown us the ones on the inside that I know must be there. I worry every day.
Before this happened I used to worry a lot about my loved ones - Illness, car accident, plane crash, fire, abduction, SIDS - you name it. I would be driving to work in my car and have a bad sad thought and become distraught just from thinking it. Now it is real and I think bad sad thoughts every day. I mean, how many people do you know survive metastatic cancer? I cry myself to sleep every day.
Maybe this is to make me a better doctor. But being a doctor is the last thing I feel like doing right now. I have seen some kids with serious illnesses, but not something this frightening in a very long time. And not in my own child. And I can't heal her. I feel helpless every day.
Maybe this is to make us better parents. But I thought we were doing a pretty fantastic job already. Our kids are the best, we had such a wonderful life before. Now we try to keep Mia from sensing our fears and keep each day fun. We try to keep Andrew happy and active and make sure we give him all the attention he deserves and needs. We try to keep ourselves strong and healthy so we can always be there for our children. We are trying so hard every day.
Maybe this is to make us more religious. But it is hard sometimes when we are angry with God for letting this evil into our blessed lives. But we still pray. We pray to the Lord, we pray to the Holy Mother Mary protector of children, we pray to St. Peregrine, St. Nicholas, St. Jude, and to our guardian angels. We pray every day.
So please call. It is really fine to call. Knowing that you love us helps us get through every day. We love you too. Just please don?t ask me how I'm doing. I won?t be okay for a long time.